Depression is not a color on a mood ring.

"My grandparents didn't take any pills, and they were fine. Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a fucking pansy." -- Scientologist Bijou Phillips on the subject of anti-depressants to the new issue of Paper magazine

I absolutely hate when people pass judgment on anti-depressants. Depression. is. serious. I understand that everyone is entitled to his or her personal opinion/belief system/etc. But, I can't get on board with this one.

If you can't understand why some people need medication to treat depression -- if you think everyone should be able to "buck up" and just pull themselves out of the"funk" -- then please, consider yourself lucky to never have been through such a painful, sometimes tragic struggle.

I've never taken medication. But I'm not afraid to "admit" I've been through long-term therapy on two separate occasions -- once for severe depression. And I absolutely would not have shied away from medication had that been the course or route my psychologist felt was best for me. The overwhelming, all-consuming, inordinate amount of internal battles with yourself cannot be justifiably described in words. You don't see the light at the end of the tunnel until it's over. There is no end in sight -- nothing to "pull yourself" up to.

I've always been an advocate of people getting help who need it. Maybe because I have been there. Because had my parents not forced me to pick up the phone in college and make the call, I don't know how my life would be different today. That was almost six years ago, and I still sometimes can't remember just exactly how terrified I felt, because it was an unreal haze of a situation. To be out of that torture is life-saving. You don't have to be a wierdo psycho introvert who dresses in black trenchcoats and army boots to be depressed. And you don't have to be one to seek treatment.

Depression is not the same as a bad day. And it scares me when stars and celebrities and friends and parents and brothers and sisters and boyfriends and girlfriends tell someone who truly needs help to "shake it off." Sometimes, it really is much more than that. I just thank God I had a support system that was able to understand that what I was going through was serious -- even if they couldn't always really understand.

...and in other news

1. I tried to return a couple things I got for Christmas from Victoria's Secret today. They didn't fit. The (ridiculously beautiful) salesgirl told me they didn't take back things from VictoriasSecret.com. Not even with a receipt. Not for store credit. Not for anything. They "aren't the same company." What? It was super-annoying. And I don't have the receipt (just thought I'd ask her if it would have made a difference -- no), so now I'm stuck with super-cute jammies two sizes too large.

2. Some people worry about not being able to quit drinking or smoking for nine months when they get pregnant. I worry about not being able to quit sushi (mercury). I can't quit sushi. It's my most expensive habit, aside from traveling. Dan has learned not to ask me what/where I want to eat/do/go when we don't have plans for the day. In his question, I hear "let's get some sushi!"

3. I'm just one flight short of a free trip to Central America or the Caribbean from United Airlines. So many more places I want to go, so little vacation time per year at work.

4. For this reason (okay, and others), the teaching profession has been looking pretty appealing lately. Utah, unlike Nevada, doesn't pay teachers (too) shitty.

5. I started my master's in English up at Weber State. I go one night a week after work for three glorious hours. I commute forty-five minutes north to school. It's just what the doctor ordered. As an undergrad, I read (maybe) 20% of the books/papers/essays assigned. (I graduated with a 3.7 GPA). I vowed if I went back to school, it wouldn't be a half-assed affair. I'm reading intently each night, scribbling notes, participating in class, awing my professors and classmates with my brilliant insights. For this reason, the teaching profession is also looking more and more appealing; I would love to start teaching at the junior high/high school level and then progress to the junior college level once I graduate with my master's. (At this rate, it will take about four-five years to graduate).

6. My master's class has piqued my interested in pursuing a PhD after I graduate. I'm not committed enough to quit work and do the whole thing full-time yet, though.

7. Dan is eating my leftover Pei Wei noodles he heated up for me because I'm not off the computer yet.

8. We got tickets to the Sundance Film Festival next weekend. Lauren is coming to visit, so the four of us (include Travis, of course), will spend next Saturday in Park City celebu-hunting and watching two festival films.

9. I love hulu,com. Bravo is a premium channel in Salt Lake City -- no Real Housewives of Orange County/New York/Atlanta. Hulu.com gives me a fix. A small fix, but a fix.

10. I don't care. I love the Real Housewives lives. I wish I could say I detest how shallow they are, but if I were in their position, I would spend my days at South Coast Plaza, the spa, in my BMW, etc. And be happy about it.