Oh. God.
I went to confession today for the first time in roughly fifteen years.
As soon as I left the confessional, I remembered instantly the reason I hadn't been in a decade and a half.
It was easy to confess when I was a kid.
Today, I was the only one there my age. I think the average age of the church during the penance service was eighty-two. And I'm not trying to take anything away from the commendable senior citizens who attend confession, but isn't it a little easier to confess when you're old, too? I mean, what kind of shananigans can 82 year olds really get into?
I debated going today. Catholics are supposed to go at least once a year. I was extremely overdue. Christmas is the traditional time when wayward Catholics find their way back to the church. I haven't exactly drifted away, but I am what you could call a Cafeteria Catholic: I choose which parts of the church's teachings to practice and which are too inconvenient for me. It's for this very reason I've kept confession at an arm's length. Not only do I understand that there are huge parts of my life that go against my church, I have no intention of changing them. And the biggest part of confession is being truly sorry for your sins. I'm not even sure I consider some of the things I'm doing a sin (though they clearly are in the church's eyes), let alone be sorry for them.
But I went anyway. By far the biggest confession was shacking up before marriage. I was extremely relieved that his penance for me was to simply "think" about my choices rather than change them. But not before letting me know just how exactly my choices are setting me up for a potential loveless marriage full of infidelity and mistrust.
Guilt and Catholicism go hand in hand. Before I left, he told me to make sure I came back to confession every year. I think he may have realized how much his words affected me. Maybe I'll go back next Christmas. Or maybe I'll wait until I'm married so this huge guilt anvil is lifted off my shoulders. Or maybe it'll be another fifteen years before I step back into that minefield again.
As soon as I left the confessional, I remembered instantly the reason I hadn't been in a decade and a half.
It was easy to confess when I was a kid.
Today, I was the only one there my age. I think the average age of the church during the penance service was eighty-two. And I'm not trying to take anything away from the commendable senior citizens who attend confession, but isn't it a little easier to confess when you're old, too? I mean, what kind of shananigans can 82 year olds really get into?
I debated going today. Catholics are supposed to go at least once a year. I was extremely overdue. Christmas is the traditional time when wayward Catholics find their way back to the church. I haven't exactly drifted away, but I am what you could call a Cafeteria Catholic: I choose which parts of the church's teachings to practice and which are too inconvenient for me. It's for this very reason I've kept confession at an arm's length. Not only do I understand that there are huge parts of my life that go against my church, I have no intention of changing them. And the biggest part of confession is being truly sorry for your sins. I'm not even sure I consider some of the things I'm doing a sin (though they clearly are in the church's eyes), let alone be sorry for them.
But I went anyway. By far the biggest confession was shacking up before marriage. I was extremely relieved that his penance for me was to simply "think" about my choices rather than change them. But not before letting me know just how exactly my choices are setting me up for a potential loveless marriage full of infidelity and mistrust.
Guilt and Catholicism go hand in hand. Before I left, he told me to make sure I came back to confession every year. I think he may have realized how much his words affected me. Maybe I'll go back next Christmas. Or maybe I'll wait until I'm married so this huge guilt anvil is lifted off my shoulders. Or maybe it'll be another fifteen years before I step back into that minefield again.
posted by Sarah @ 7:07 PM
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